


Memos from MACUSA

by pindefleurs



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Epistolary, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Percival Graves Is Married To His Work, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-07 21:12:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8816410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pindefleurs/pseuds/pindefleurs
Summary: Percival Graves returns, and life at MACUSA goes on.   A collection of interdepartmental memos exchanged during a typical day at the Woolworth Building.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Memos from Q-Branch](https://archiveofourown.org/works/909644) by [AviaCarter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AviaCarter/pseuds/AviaCarter). 



> The originality of my work never fails to astound me.

**FAO:** All MACUSA Employees  
**From:** Percival Graves  
**Subject:** Appropriate Workplace Behavior

Dear All,

Welcome-back parties thrown in my honor _will be contained_ to the interior of the Woolworth Building. The Obliviators have not slept since Wednesday. It certainly did _not_ help when a _certain_ Senior Auror transfigured Exploding Confetti into what appears to be _beef jerky_ to fly spontaneously out of my office window. Madam President and I would also like to issue an official warning to whoever thought it a wise idea charm the ceiling to rain Giggle Water in the southeast wing of the third floor.

Regards,

Percival Graves  
Director of Magical Security

 

* * *

 

**FAO:** Percival Graves  
**From** : Seraphina Picquery  
**Subject** : Welcome back, Percy.

Percival dear,

Firstly, words cannot express how happy we are to see you're back in one piece. We are truly ashamed that none of us noticed a bleached European monkey was parading around in your peaked lapels until it was too late. Now, as your friend, you understand it is my responsibility - no, _duty_ to be concerned for your general well-being. I've heard you're resisting the natural course of your recovery. I've also heard you hexed Healer Pinckney's nostril hair into permanent dreadlocks when he prescribed a week of bed-rest. And you have the audacity to lecture my employees on _appropriate workplace behavior_? Percy, might I remind you I have your mother's Floo on emergency dial? Go home now, and maybe I'll forget to firecall her. Furthermore, you're frightening the interns. Goldstein the Younger's No-Maj baked a lovely mille-feuille which I hear has since been Reductoed to flaky French smithereens.

This is your last warning,

Seraphina Picquery  
Your Boss

PS: You do not yet have the authority to issue 'official warnings' on my behalf.


	2. Chapter 2

 

 **FAO:** Department of Major Investigations  
**From:** Percival Graves  
**Subject:** Appropriate Care of Auror Uniforms

Dear Aurors,

The Auror jacket is not merely a trendy spell-repellent shield but a symbol of honor and pride. Your uniform is _not vegan_ and is therefore expensive and unethical to replace. There is no need to get AK'd for the sake of a jacket, but if you could occasionally return any shredded jacket in its entirety it would be very much appreciated by the house elves, our annual budget, and myself.

Regards,

Percival Graves  
Director of Magical Security

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **FAO:** Percival Graves  
**From:** Newt Scamander  
**Subject:** Minor Incident

Mr Graves,

I apologise profusely for the minor incident last Thursday with what I believe to be Abernathy's second favourite jacket. I tried my best to salvage the remains but as Erumpent semen is highly corrosive, I made a judgement call  to protect the man himself. In the meantime, it is a _terrible_ shame Abernathy must look like the arse-end of a shrivelled Demiguise. You may choose to tell him the colour should wear off soon.

Regards,

Newt Scamander

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **FAO:** Newt Scamander  
**From:** Percival Graves  
**Subject:** I don't think I will. Doesn't his face look immensely improved?

Mr Scamander,

I'd ask, but frankly I think I have a pretty good idea what Tina's brought you in for today.

Percival Graves

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **FAO:** Tina Goldstein  
**From:** Percival Graves  
**Subject:** Seriously?

Ms Goldstein,

While I am aware you think Kowalski has designs on the poor man, is it really necessary to slap him with a Section 3A whenever he wanders within spitting distance of the No-Maj? The poor guy must have his own holding cell by now.

Percival Graves

PS: Back off, Tina. I do not need nor want your help. Jacob isn't his type anyway.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **FAO:** Percival Graves  
**From:** Newt Scamander  
**Subject:** That woman!

You of all people know perfectly well why I'm not watching my Appaloosa Puffskeins get a perm and blow-dry from Björn in Stuttgart but stuck in this dingy building with you lot over here.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **FAO:** Newt Scamander  
**From:** Percival Graves  
**Subject:** Thank you for enlightening us as to Goldstein's gender

Perhaps Tina has the right idea. And what was a mating Erumpent doing in my office? Are their horns not highly explosive? Do I need to impound that case?

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Woolworth Building prepares for an _event._ The President is not amused.

**FAO:** All MACUSA Employees  
**From:** Percival Graves  
**Subject:** Bring Your Kids To Work!  
  
Dear All,  
  
Another year has passed, and it is with a heavy heart that I announce the 46th annual Bring Your Kids To Work Day. Taking into account the spell damage inflicted on Courtroom 4 last year, we are restricting all 'tours' to the ground floor where the Threat Clock can alert any Senior Aurors including myself in the situation a child wreaks havoc on the fragile inner workings of our government. Although, to be fair, I still find it _extremely difficult_ to believe the color-changing vandalism of the President's favorite poster of herself was the work of a child.   
  
Regards,  
  
Percival Graves  
Director of Magical Security  
  


 

* * *

 

 

 **FAO:** Senior Auror Abernathy  
**From:** Percival Graves  
**Subject:** The Poster Incident  
  
Abernathy,  
  
I know it was you. Might I suggest bunny ears next Thursday?  
  
May your anonymous bonus next month be everything you hoped it would be,  
  
Graves

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
**FAO:** Department of Major Investigations  
**From:** Seraphina Picquery  
**Subject:** Bring Your Kids To Work Day  
  
Dear All,  
  
The spirit of Bring Your Kids To Work Day is promoting our Congress in the eyes of the younger generations in a fun and educational way. It is therefore inadvisable that _every single one of you_ brings Mr Barebone to Bring Your Kids To Work Day. I am aware that you are fond of him, but he is no longer a child, and furthermore, nearly all of you shot him a fortnight ago.  
  
Yours until your offspring inevitably charm monobrows and sideburns onto my favorite poster again,  
  
Seraphina Picquery  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
**FAO:** Seraphina Picquery  
**From:** Percival Graves  
**Subject:** Credence Barebone  
  
Madam President,  
  
While I understand your concern, I assure you Mr Barebone himself is thrilled to visit our humble workplace. In the unlikely event that he is upset by anyone or anything he sees, I have made arrangements to station a Newt Scamander with appropriate fluffy socks and comic books to Apparate within appropriate Obscurial comforting distance. On a more serious matter, I have recently been made aware it was on your orders that my Aurors opened fire on a frightened teenager. Imagine my shock! Have we really sunk to the level of the No-Maj police? What _have_ our Anti Exposure laws come to? Is extra work for the Obliviators too much to ask? I go on one tiny vacation in a homicidal maniac's suitcase and our law enforcement goes to hell. Poor Mr Scamander is brought in several times a week for buying pastries and talking to his _pastry-man_ , and that is simply ridiculous. For once, I think our bleached European friend might've had the right idea. Shall I drop by the cells and ask him? I hear he was one of the _exceptional few_ who were protecting him.  
  
Yours until you issue _actual_ orders to shoot _actual_ kids,  
  
Percival Graves  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
**FAO:** Tina Goldstein, Percival Graves, Newt Scamander  
**From:** Queenie Goldstein  
**Subject:** Someone's angry.  
  
Why is the President glaring at the peppermint tea I just brought her and telepathically howling _'DIE GRAVES DIE'_? I'm assuming it's Percival's fault, I'm just curious as to what he's done this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> American English is so confusing. Was taking out the teeny, tiny, measly little 'u' too much for you poor sods? Was it _really necessary?_


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Queenie Goldstein is many things. A teetotaller is not one of them.

**FAO:** All MACUSA Employees  
**From:** Work Safety Committee  
**Subject:** Appropriate Handling (Or Lack Thereof) of 'Company' Giggle-Water

Dear All,

If you are at all concerned regarding your irrational fear of Queenie Goldstein, we assure you this is perfectly normal behavior. In fact, we actively encourage a healthy fear of her as a precaution to steer clear of each and every bottle of her Giggle-Water.

We're also going to take this opportunity to remind our lovely workers of the Power Hour Incident last month. Let the unforgettable sound of Secretary Huddersfield screeching ever ring in your ears.

In the event you accidentally come into contact with any bottle of the substance, we advise you to put it back hastily like Miss Goldstein is about to clamber out of the freeze-room to defend her precious. All around, it's the safest choice.

Best wishes,

The Work Safety Committee

 

* * *

 

 **FAO:** WSC, Seraphina Picquery  
**From:** Percival Graves  
**Subject:** Since when do we have a Work Safety Committee?

And why does Congress fund a department that appears to serve no purpose other than protecting the general public from the reign of terror that is solely Queenie Goldstein's attachment to Gigglewater?

 

* * *

 

 **FAO:** Percival Graves  
**From:** WSC  
**Subject:** We also run an interdepartmental Free Hugs service.

We've discovered that as these matters go - with the Goldsteins, it's usually best not to ask.


	5. Chapter 5

**FAO:** Percival Graves  
 **From:** Tina Goldstein  
 **Subject:** The President's looking for you

 

And okay, but sir, all I'm saying is that your plan to stay professional won't work in the long term because eventually the department is gonna get sick of the fact that our boss LITERALLY DOES NOT HAVE THE BALLS TO ASK NOOTERS IF HE'S SINGLE

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **FAO:** Tina Goldstein  
 **From:** Percival Graves  
 **Subject:** If she asks, I'm not here okay

 

Tina, you can't just continue a conversation we had in person by sending me a memo out of the blue, in the middle of a sentence.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **FAO:** Percival Graves  
 **From:** Tina Goldstein  
 **Subject:** Martha can stall her, that gives you eight minutes max.

 

I don't see why not.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **FAO:** Tina Goldstein  
 **From:** Percival Graves  
 **Subject:** And who the hell is Martha

 

We were having this conversation five weeks ago.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **FAO:** Percival Graves  
 **From:** Tina Goldstein  
 **Subject:** i mean she's Only what bEEN YO UR SECRETARY FOR T H R E E YEARS

 

Your point?

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **FAO:** Tina Goldstein  
 **From:** Martha Stewart  
 **Subject:** Please calm down. 

 

Tina, you're an awesome person, and I'm pretty fond of you, but girl, you are gonna get fired again for the second time if you don't sit the hell down right now and take back whatever you said to Boss-man.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**FAO:** All MACUSA Employees  
**From:** Seraphina Picquery  
**Subject:** He's back.

Dear All,

A baby Mongolian Manticore was spotted in Central Park four minutes ago. I must therefore come to the regrettable conclusion that a certain British wizard, for all our efforts to deport him, is back.

Best wishes and good luck to you all,

President Seraphina Picquery

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 **FAO:** All MACUSA Employees 

 **From:** Percival Graves 

 **Subject:** Battle stations, folks

Dear All,

I want an Obliviator within spitting distance of every single menagerie and pet shop in New York. Full surveillance on the new dog shelter downtown would be very much appreciated.

You have your orders,

Percival Graves  
Director of Magical Security

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **FAO:** Percival Graves  
**From:** Sam the Obliviator  
**Subject:** Already here, sir 

Dear Mr Director,

Sir, with all due respect, this is ridiculous. These are _puppies._ Is a 6 week old labrador going to be a threat to national security? What's it gonna do, piss on Red? Bark at the threat clock? Also, send Noot our love and kisses.

Don't terrier yourself up over the puppies,

Sam

PS: Ha, geddit? _Terrier?_ Terrier yourself up? Cuz it's a _dog?_ I'm fucking _hilarious._

PPS: Please dont fire me I have a wife a dog and a mortgage.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **FAO:** Percival Graves  
**From:** Tina Goldstein   
**Subject:** Your lunch date

 

GO GET HIM BOYO.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **FAO:** Percival Graves   
**From:** Queenie Goldstein   
**Subject:** Appropriate Care of Newt Scamander

 

His favorite food is vegan macaroni. He listens to Celestina Warbeck and mainstream Icelandic jazz. He has a monthly subscription to the Quibbler. Tina's favorite hot-dog man gives discounts if you compliment his ravishing sideburns and loudly announce you are a small Korean woman.

Thank me later with the small humble offering of your firstborn,

Queenie Goldstein

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **FAO:** Tina Goldstein, Queenie Goldstein, Sam the Obliviator  
**From:** Percival Graves  
**Subject:** YOU THREE

_DEMOTION._

Close the door on your way out,

Percival Graves  
Director of Magical Security


	7. Chapter 7

**FAO:** All MACUSA Employees

**From:** Seraphina Picquery

**Subject:** This is a courtesy call.

 

Any employee seen with a copy of the morning’s Ghost will be immediately frogmarched to the spinning doors.

 

That’s all,

Seraphina Picquery

 

  


* * *

  


  


**FAO:** Percival Graves

**From:** Newt Scamander

**Subject: ‘** _Appropriate Workplace Behaviour_ ’, my well-tailored British arse

 

_Seriously?_ Okay, I’ll admit the caption was a tad harsh about your scorpion stick-pins - but Percy, you’re the Director of Magical Security, a Ghost columnist calling you ‘America’s Favourite Mudblood’ doesn’t mean you can change your interdepartmental memo address and transfigure all your stationery to read ‘National Mudblood Graves’. Also, the President has requested that I remind you that _only_ your desk is your own. You have been given official leave to stomp to your heart’s delight on the mahogany. The rest, unfortunately, is government property. She’s taking the repairs out of your bonus.

 

 

**FAO:** Percival Graves

**From:** Newt Scamander

**Subject:** I. Can’t. HEAR. You. And that is _mahogany! Stop it!_

 

My dearest, Percy, I can see that you’re shouting passionately, however there is an inch of Flibberts’ Finest Foolproof Soundproofing Glass separating us.

 

 

**FAO:** Newt Scamander

**From:** Queenie Goldstein

**Subject:** Comma sexting, are we?

 

I think his precise words were, “I... _DO_...WHAT...I.... _WANT_.”

  


  


* * *

  


 

**FAO:** Percival Graves

**From:** Seraphina Picquery

**Subject:** (no subject)

_Percival._

 

 

**FAO:** Seraphina Picquery

**From:** Percival Graves

**Subject:** (no subject)

 

Skeeter started it.

 

 

**FAO:** Percival Graves

**From:** Seraphina Picquery

**Subject:** (no subject)

 

Get down from your desk.

 

  


**FAO:** Seraphina Picquery

**From:** Percival Graves

**Subject:** (no subject)

**  
**

Yes, Ma’am.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **COMMA SEXTING 101**
> 
> *tinkling piano notes from _Satisfied_ plays*
> 
> *enter Percival Graves, in typical late eighteenth century women's garb, a lovely dress, mid-centre stage, waving a crumpled origami rat*
> 
> "... in a memo i received from you, two weeks ago, i noticed a comma in the middle of a phrase - it changed the _mEANing! did you INtend this!?_  
>  one stroke and you've consumed my waking days! - it says:  
> my dearest, percival - with a comma after percy!  
> you've written - "
> 
> *newt scamander sings the next line with him, harmonising perfectly*
> 
> "my dearest, ... ..... ..."
> 
> *the longest pause. sherlock comes out. jesus comes back. the universe expands and collapses in on itself. a comma is inserted*
> 
> ... angelicaaaaa
> 
> *audience mutters in confusion. some forced laughs can be heard. percy drops singing pose and runs backstage, choked sobs, blushing with shame, beyond bewildered*
> 
> *voices in the darkness of the backstage*
> 
> \- wait whAt  
> \- was that you!?  
> \- i thot that was u  
> \- ...  
> \- ....  
> \- um  
> \- ... yes? hullo?  
> \- that was me  
> \- who is this  
> \- the, um, author  
> \- fak orf  
> \- yes, do fu- go away  
> \- um okay

**Author's Note:**

> Criticism, whether constructive or not, is always welcome. Author responds well to mild verbal abuse.  
> (Stalk me on [Tumblr](https://heliobergs.tumblr.com).)


End file.
